Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My short trip to Egypt- I knew it would happen

November 7 at 11:41am
I knew it would happen....God knew it would happened. After throwing up several times Friday night (gunk in my throat- gag- barf- like mother like son!) It was all the hamburger soup I had eaten for supper, which caused a horrible acid burn in my throat. I had to have something to get that out- I had what felt like a chunk just still sitting there. The open bag of pretzels was sitting there- exactly what I needed to get this lump and taste out. I ate a handful.... it definitely helped...but I knew I should not have eaten them. happened again but worse. There was the basket of Halloween candy I have resisted all this time.... without too much of a second thought I ate 3 mini Twix bars. 
Oh, my aching heart. 
What have I done? 
106 days all comes down to this? 
3 mini Twix bars? 
I felt my old self screaming to get out. I gave into the flesh for a minute- enough time to get them down. 
I felt instant disappointment and shame. 
The lies started flooding in.
 I prayed before the Lord that night and asked for forgiveness. 

Then it happened again last night. After cleaning up poop on the kitchen floor from the cat, vomit all over my bed from Karianne (same gunk-gag-barf!), spilled milk, spilled milkshake, mopping the floor 3 times in 30 minutes.....there on the stairs was another bag of candy. 
Without much thought...knowing Jeff was not here....knowing the kids were in bed...the flesh screaming it again and I gave in. 
I ate 4 mini snickers bars. 
Shoved them in like I used to binge. 
The flesh won. 
I felt like I didn't even need to go to God with repentance- it didn't seem real or genuine.
I went back to Egypt this weekend. 
I am struggling with how to feel about this. 
I don't want to blame Satan- for it was my choice to sin. 
Part of me feels like God allowed me to go back to Egypt for a purpose. (Well, everything He allows is for a purpose!) 
But why at 106 days? 
I think I am more upset that I can't say now "I've not eaten any sugar in 107 days"....I feel like I have lost my testimony of God's strength. 
My "pride" is hurt- how stupid is that! 
But then I feel like that is just part of Satan's lies to bring me down right now. 
I feel I have let God down....but is that a lie? He knew I was going to do this. He knew I was going to give into the flesh. 
I need to use this for His good- I need to get past "myself”, stop the pouting, and get on my knees!
My heart is aching.
I had to confess this to you- God has put it heavy on my heart to do so. I am dreading tell Jeff when he gets home from the beach this afternoon. I feel like a failure. "Help me, Lord"!

No comments: