Missing the bike ride

Jeff and Karianne went bike riding today on the parkway- my little 4 year old road all by herself( on her very cute new pink bike) 6 miles! Guess I'd better get moving......pretty sad when a 4 year old can out bike you!

May 31 at 9:59pm  

I hate being this way

I HATE being this way- I miss being and feeling STRONG like I did when we were working out with Step.

 I could hardly carry in the groceries tonight- it's pitiful.

 A gallon of milk just about does me in trying to pick it up.

 It's hard to see how far backwards I have gone from where I was when working out.

If only....

I have tested several times for celiac- but I know I have to have a problem with it- that, yeast, and lactose....I might as well just become a rabbit- by the time I take out all the foods that cause me problems vegetables are about the only thing left. yuck- sorry, but I actually do not like veggies unless it's Veggie Tales. uggggg- I hate having to change everything....but I don't have a choice.

( I am in the grieving stages now! denial, anger, denial, anger....)

May 29 at 11:12pm

I am just at the beginning stage to where I can turn it back around.

 Gee- now, if I could only get my joints and muscles to cooperate with me so I can exercise.......

I've got to break this cycle somehow- the more tired and in pain I am, the less likely I am to even try to get my body moving.

 I am just going to have to bite the bullet and make myself start.....tomorrow that is.....

May 29 at 11:33pm 

Big slam from the doc today

Big slam from the doc yesterday. To add to my fibromyalgia, arthritis(type disorder) fatigue....I can now add "diabetic" to my list. NOT happy....but, hey- on the bright side my liver/abdominal ultrasound was normal and my vitamin D came up a few points! Now-to get my A1C down(for all you non-diabetic/non-medical folks that is the test that tells the average of your blood sugars in the last 3-6 months) ARRGG

May 29 at 10:42pm  

The pain....

Rain=hurting joints=want to stay in bed= will have to drink lots of coffee instead!

May 17 at 9:41am   ·

In bed since Friday- not able to move much...whole body hurts from fibromyalgia/arthritis....this morning went to church( very slowly and well, with an "I don't want to be here" mood. A huge thanks to my dear friend Kristy Dengler for the 5 minute hug in the hallway- what a blessing that was.....

May 23 at 11:39am  

Slow moving today...but at least I am up. I had a bunch of blood work done yesterday and a liver/abdomen ultrasound to rule out any problems that could be contributing to my muscle and joint pain. 

God sent me a verse....

I sat down last night at the dinner for men's bible study leaders/wives and the place mat was a beautiful picture with this scripture around it:

 God is able to deliver me from impossible circumstances, But if He doesn't, I will still serve Him. Daniel 3:17-18 

Wow- can God just put what you need in front of you or what?!

April 27 at 10:09am

Getting worse......

whooo- where did the truck come from that ran over me this morning...good grief I can hardly move.....I just finally dragged myself out of bed.....good thing my kids are old enough to take care of themselves. What is it about Monday mornings? argggg......Flee Satan, Flee!!!

March 22 at 11:20am  

so- several docs( not the kind that can actually diagnose and test) think I have fibromyalgia, also possible chronic fatigue and/or RA. It does kinda put some of the pieces of the puzzle together for me. Anyone know of any good doctors to go to for this?

March 24 at 3:15pm  

What a great day. I was diagnosed with: fibromyalgia, polymyalgia rheumatica, TMJ, elevated liver enzymes, and Vitamin D deficiency. Guess I need to take a tropical vacation so I can sit in the sun, soak in a hot tub, slurp smoothies through a straw and get a message......:)

April 6 at 8:15pm  

arrrggg- I do not like this fibromyalgia thing- can't get out of bed today.......

April 13 at 2:29pm   ·

I know God has a plan for allowing all this health stuff to jump on me all at once...fibromyalgia, polymyalgia rheuatica, tmj, chronic fatigue.......just can't wait to see what it is! I will probably be napping when He shows it to me.....

April 25 at 4:36pm  

Tonia- it's very hard to get of bed in the morning- I am very stiff and muscles are sore- you know how you work out for the first time and you over do it- the next day you can hardly move? That's the way it is for me all the time. most morning my hands hurt so bad I can't hold the hair dryer- good thing I let my hair grow out!

April 27 at 10:05am 

How it all got started...... a few face book posts

3 hours in the urgent care today- horrible upper respiratory virus- I begged for something- anything to make me feel better- don't think I have felt this bad since having a baby.....I like the old days when they would give you an antibiotic whether you needed it or not...at least you feel like you didn't waste all that time and money in there.....

January 27 at 7:19pm

3 hours in the Northern Wake ER...my fever spiked tonight to 105- so off to the hospital we went. I was so faint,dizzy,weak they had to wheelchair me in. But after another round of IV's-laced with Zofran and Toradol and Morphine ( aaahhhhhh- finally some real relief)I am feeling better.

January 29 at 1:23am  

aahhh...a day with no IV's or visits to the ER.....I am feeling better- but still have a ways to go before I am able to be out and about....enjoyed the snow from the bed today- got to listen to the kids through the window...I'll take that over nothing!

January 30 at 8:12pm  

It's days like today when..although I am feeling better- but not well enough to tackle school, the kids, the house...- that I am thankful that my 11 year old son likes to cook- hamburgers for his brother and peanut butter/honey sandwich for his sister...now, if I could just train him to clean up...but thankful I didn't have to get out of bed to fix lunch!

February 2 at 1:41pm  

is tired and ready to go to bed! I have done a little too much the last 2 days since having meningitis...I think it just caught up with me! nothing wrong with the kids having cereal for breakfast and supper, right??!!

February 12 at 5:58pm   ·

The "Garden of Eatin" From my first blog in April 2009

Ok- so it's been a while since my last blog.   You can probably guess that I have been in the " Garden of Eatin".........It's amazing that when God wants you to be accountable for something...you tend to just, ommm, look the other way.  Pretend that He really didn't ask you to journal you journey.  If I am journaling...then I must be doing it right.... I wouldn't put the bad stuff in there , right?!  Well- He has finally convicted me that this is a JOURNEY......and He wants me to put the good , the bad , and the ugly in it.  Ugg!

Now- onto the Garden of Eatin'...you see...me and Eve are quite different.  If I had been in that garden do you think I would have been tempted by an apple?  Or any fruit for that matter?  Please!  I just don't think so.  

Throw some donuts, pizza or ice-cream on that tree and now we are talking!  But an apple?  No way.  Just no temptation there.  Ok- maybe I would give into a chocolate dipped apple like the kind at the Fair or some gummy fruit snacks but not just plain old fruit. 

I know, I know...the passage isn't really all about apples or donuts.   It's about obedience to God.  Oh, and that being tempted by Satan thing.  He is a pretty crafty devil isn't he?  For he says in Genesis 3 "Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the lord God had made, He said to the woman. 'Did God really say, 'you must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"    Oh, yes....the creator of doubt.  That little voice in your head that says " God didn't really say your body is a temple did He?  He doesn't really not want you to have everything that you want when you want it, right?"    From verse 4 the slithery slimy sneaky full of snickers bars  told Eve " you will not surely die,. For God know that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil".  What a dog. A big fat pig.  

And so there began the fall of Karen Barlow.  

I would love to think that if "I" were in that garden that beautiful day that "I" would have taken one look at that apple tree and said " plleeeaaaease, give me a break little man with horns.  Bring me something better than this.  Give me chocolate,  pastries, candy, skittles, caramels,

 hot fudge sundies, a tree full of donuts "hot now" from Krispy Kreme....but an apple???

Go on with your bad self.  

Go bug someone else with your slimy self.  I'm waitin' for the good stuff"     

But sadly.....as Eve said in Genesis 3:13 "The serpent deceived me, and I ate".

I am no different from Eve.  I may not think that my reasons are the same for "sinning" as were hers...but the bottom line.... verse 13 makes that very clear.  Satan deceives and I eat.  In the area of eating...Satan has more control over me than God does.  How sad. 

God has given me sooo many wonderful things to choose from to eat. He has not even specifically told me that any food is "off limits". Yet- I choose the foods that do not bring glory to Him or my body.  I choose to use food as my comforter.  The choice is mine.  Just because it tastes good doesn't mean it's what is best for me.  Instant gratification is not God's main theme throughout the bible!  

          Psalm 25

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;

in you I trust, O my god.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over

me.

No one whose hope is in you

will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous without

excuse.

And so the journey continues.....a few steps down......now hopefully a few steps "up" God's path.

Waffling around....... from my first blog in April 2009

On Wednesday of this past week I was feeling, well.....like a failure.  The thoughts- you know the kind- where you feel like you are such a horrible mother, wife, teacher, friend.....the works. Funny how they all hit at one time.  Those feelings can't take turns like we are all taught in preschool.  No, they are selfish and  self-defeating feelings that are all begging for your attention at the same time.   So where did I turn when bombarded with such thoughts?  To waffles, of course.  Oh, yes.... and lots of them ...with a heaping of butter and a slathering of syrup.  A heaping of butter not just on the top waffle.  There had to be a good chunk on each individual waffle all the way down to the last one on the bottom.  What is the  point of just putting butter on the top one?  Doesn't the last one on the plate deserve  to be enjoyed as much as the first?  It's not his fault he was put on the plate last.  All waffles deserve the same amount of butter in my book.  The syrup is never put away in the pantry until all the waffles are eaten.  Why waste valuable time and energy having to go back and forth to the pantry to get more?  It's only fair.  The last bites of waffles should have the same respect as the first. Besides, what if there is some butter left at the end and no syrup to mix with it?  

Once in bed that night, I moaned and groaned a little ( ok- I was out right moping).  You see, my belly was severely bloated from all the carbs, sugar, and the medical fact that I am unable to digest any lactose.  The 6 waffles I ate for supper ( and all the non-food addicted people say.."how on earth could you eat 6 waffles?  I can only eat 2 at a time..oh, my....) were sitting heavy.  The 6 I ate for breakfast had not yet gotten through my system.( yes- you read it right)  So..... sing with me...."12 little waffles sittin' in my belly... making me feel really fat and swelly."

My wonderful husband noticed my moping and asked what was wrong.  My usual response.."I feel miserable. I can't stop eating. I can't do anything right....etc."  He then proceeded to tell me what I already knew.  I needed to turn to God instead of food.  Thanks, honey-ok- nighty night. Thanks for your input.  Always love getting advice about food from someone who can let mold grow on Krispy Kreme donuts.....( I know- THAT is just not right!  What person in their right mind could just let donuts go without being eaten?  As one of my "die-hard" food addicted friends said, "I would have just taken the mold off and eaten the rest!"  She will go nameless.)      I went to sleep hearing the words..."run to God instead of food".  Sweet dreams...

The next morning failure was still hovering in my head.  Like a guest that won't leave.  A cat that won't get off the paper you are reading.  Like a child that starts whining and crying as soon as the phone rings and it's  a call you really need to take.  You try to shake it off, think of other things...but the failure bug has permeated your every thought.    You are tired of feeling this way.....it's becoming more of a normal day than a bad day here and there.

My first thought?  Waffles.  That would make everything better.  I stopped myself just in time.....ok.....actually I realized there WERE no waffles because I had eaten all of them the day before!  Problem solved, right?  I started to feel anxious, panicky, obsessed with the fact that there were no waffles for my daily shot of butter , carbs and syrup.  ( not that the kids would not have their usual breakfast...nope...didn't care about that...they can always just have cereal).  I instinctively grabbed the phone in tears to call my best friend.  That is when I felt the pull and the call.....from God this time.  "Run to me this time....you run to your friends, food, anything but me.  Come to me this morning and let me fill the void that can only be filled by me."  I put the phone down and just cried.  I got out my bible and did something I am not usually comfortable with or used to.....just started letting the pages turn praying that God would let them stop where He wanted them to.  I flipped through half heartily with no real faith that God even cared enough about this issue to "give me a verse".

Then it happened.   A passage caught my eye.  Jeremiah 13.  "The Ruined Waistband".  I actually chuckled when I read it thinking to myself, "yup, I have a ruined waistband alright!"  I read the passage and thought- oh, there is more to this story, I don't know the context, and certainly it has nothing to do with my waistband.   Then I got to verse 10 &11:

"This wicked people, who refuse to listen to My words, who walk in the  stubbornness of their hearts and have gone after other gods to serve them and bow  down to them, let them be just like this waistband, which is totally worthless.  For  as the waistband clings to the waist of a man, so I made the whole household of  Israel and the whole household of Judah cling to ME, declares the Lord, that they  might be for ME a people, for renown, for praise, and for glory, but they did not  listen."

Well....alrighty, then!  Out of context or not.....the Lord was clearly telling me that I refuse to listen to His words, I am stubborn in my heart, have gone to other gods to serve them and bow down to them. ( that is where the food comes in!) Because of this....I will not only have a ruined waistband......I will be just like one.  Worthless.  Not worthless in God's sight, but worthless to be for HIM, for praise and for glory.  All the things that He deserves.  I can't serve two masters.  I can't listen to God in some areas of my life and just completely ignore this one. 

 Eating too much is a sin.  Eating for the wrong reasons is a sin.  Eating to fill the space that only God can fill .....is a sin.    A sin is a sin is a sin.....in God's eyes.  We put sins in hierarchy...." well at least I don't do that...".  

 To God, overeating or eating for the wrong reasons is saying He is not enough.  We need more.  We need other gods to help out.  

Eating is NOT a sin ....but the motives behind why we eat can be.  We obviously need food to survive.  But our lack of faith that God will provide just what we need on a daily basis......a sin.

Now you know how I came to the passage Jeremiah 13 called "The Ruined Waistband". In one word......God.  He took me right to it.  He is a personal God.  He cares about every detail of our lives.  So- for now....no more waffling around...it will only add to my already ruined waistband.  

The good news......God is the MASTER of restoration! He can raise the dead.....fixing a ruined waistband.....no prob, bob.  We must  want to have it fixed first.  

We must hand Him the waistband.  Hand it over!  He can't fix it if you are still holding on to it.   

"Step away from the waffle........"  :)